Steven Seagal: Melodrama-man (or the Show Where Nothing Happens)

Airing on A&E, Steven Seagal: Lawman is a comedy of the highest form. Excuse me for a sec…(puts down pen)

Are you sure?

Okay sorry about that. It would seem that Lawman is NOT a comedy but a reality show.

This ‘reality’ show (read: fake) follows Seagal and his work with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office in New Orleans. He’s been at it for about fifteen years now. The show is supposed to be COPS.

COPS it ain’t. It actually comes across more like CHIPS.

The show is simply unbelievable and yet riveting in its crappiness. Seagal runs around the show (and the viewer gets the impression from the other cops that Seagal’s deputization has worn out its welcome), trying to push the drama into something exciting. The action isn’t all that exciting to begin with, so the added push (read: desperate invention) makes this show the best feel-good comedy of the year.

Here are just a few examples of his talent:

1) After being called to a house where some lowlife has apparently broken into. All of the cops jump out of their car and surround a house. “He’s still inside. There’s no way he got out,” Seagal says, using his psychic abilities.

The perp got out. Before they even got there.

2) After pulling over a vehicle suspected of having drugs inside, the K-9 unit is called in. The handler brings the dog to the car. “He’s got something, he’s got something doesn’t he?”

The dog found nothing.

3) After an impressive fast speed chase, the police finally get their man and yank the perp out of the car. IT'S AT THIS POINT WHEN SEAGAL ARRIVES ON THE SCENE. Just a little late. No matter, he’s the first to get in there and get his hands on the perp to.

Can you say photo op?

4) And how about that war on drugs? Getting those drug lords busted and all those drugs off the street? This is a job for LAWMAN! So they kick down a motel room door and do their business. With drugs in hand, Seagal is proud to get these drugs off the street, away from kids. This is a HUGE drug bust. They even got the Drug Lord too. Amazing. Did I mention they found 7 rocks of crack cocaine and there were 7 people in the motel room?

I’m pretty sure those drugs weren’t going into the street.

5) Steven gives the Captain some firearm lessons for his license renewal. Now don’t get me wrong, the man is an incredible shot. They actually show him shooting the tips off of a Q-tip and a match (truly it was the only cool thing I ever saw on this show). Now I consider myself a spiritual being and I feel I have a good handle on the whole Zen thing. Yet, I cannot understand, for the life of me, what “you have to PUSH the bullet at the target” means. Push the bullet? Does that actually help? Does it go faster?

Alas, the Captain is no sharp-shooter, even after his lessons. I believe the man had to get 96 points out of 120 to pass. He scored a 97. Imagine his score if Steven hadn’t been there!

6) Seagal also goes on at great length about his guard dogs and how much time he spends training them to be killers on command. Indeed the dogs do seem to be vicious. Believe it or not, the show actually shows some of this training.

So in comes the professional dog trainer who is also a professional martial-arts/action hero trainer as he coaches Seagal in the finer points of attack dogs.


Oh and if you should read an episode guide that says Steven teaches martial arts to a group of young people - he doesn’t. He shows up, says a few words, but doesn’t show off ANY of his skills. Pity, because that would’ve been interesting.

But wait there’s more! Read this synopsis: Steven…sends a couple of men walking home when he finds a bottle of rum in their car.

Riveting! Breath-taking! This is the show where Nothing Happens!

Still hungry for more? How about this? While cruising around, the squinty-eyed Seagal peers into all the dark alleyways, focusing on shadowy hoodlums. His keen sense (read: Spidey-sense) tingles. Yes that’s right. Not many would remember this, but between 1977-1979 there was a live action TV series called the Amazing Spider-Man. It consisted of 15 episodes. The one thing I remember clearly was when Peter Parker’s spider-sense would go off - basically it was a negative view of what the criminals were doing (the irony of Parker having to develop his own negatives, and Spidey seeing danger as a negative is just hitting me now - I need to pause a moment to allow that to sink in).


Okay, I’m back.

So, Lawman uses the same device. (Read: “With great power, comes great comedic gold”).

If its not a comedy, then this show is ripe for satire. Wouldn’t Alec Baldwin make a great Steven Seagal? The squinty eyes, the throaty voice and that wonderful hair! And considering how many times Alec has hosted Saturday Night Live, this would make for a great recurring sketch.

Mr. Michaels, I will be expecting my cheque in the mail.