Showing posts from March, 2010

Training Day: How to Burn Money

You would think that Generic Corp was in the business of wasting money, not making it.
Recently I had the opportunity to travel out of town to give a group training session on Vertical Safety at our sister corporation Catch-22 Inc. The trials and tribulations of this story begins with the first question - they didn’t have anyone who worked there to do this training? Answer: No. No one certified that is. Vertical Safety is a highly-sought-after specialized field.

The first thing Catch-22 Inc. had to do was compile a list of how many employees were going to need this Vertical Safety training. I was told that I would find out through email. Upwards to about 25 employees. Because of the large amount of people, it was decided to break the training up into 2 days. The Day shift employees would be trained on a Saturday and the Afternoon Shift on the Sunday.

Two weeks before the class I got confirmation of the first group. Something like 15 people with a promise that the second list wo…

It's A Dogs Life

People. They astonish me at every turn.
Take for instance my neighbors who occupy a huge lot.
In fact, here is a picture of their shit place:

I mean, what is all that junk? Look at that shed! Those decrepit trailers. Click on the image for the full size (it's worth it).

Last year they had 2 dogs, one a quiet mutt and the other, some kind of Terrier:
I cannot stress how yappy this creature was. It would yap at you when you walked outside. It would yap at you when you came home from work. It would yap at passing cars, at passing trains, at passing Robins. It would yap at its own yap. My wonderful neighbors took it all in stride. They kept these 2 dogs in their outside dog cage ALL THE TIME. It yapped so much, I began forming an image of this beast in my mind. It looked something like this:

Even the owners were annoyed at the barking. They would, in fact, yap at their own dog to SHUT UP! Their own voice drowning out the pup. Cut to neighbor's door closing. Q…


I rack the balls,
trying not to look nervous
in front of my financer,
Whetam Gnauckweirst.

Expertly, I chalk my cue while
Whetam disperses the carefully
placed balls. I want to impress -
I put down my chalk and study the table.

"So I'm white right?"

Dexter Season 5: Spoiler Alert!

Inside sources have revealed the next serial killer in the hit Showtime series Dexter slated to air in September 2010. In Season 5, Dexter (Michael C. Hall) pursues a trail of carnage that extends across two countries. From Victoria, British Columbia, Canada to Miami Florida. This apex predator has already killed 3 people. Weighing in at 12,300 pounds and 22 feet long, the serial killer simply known as Tilikum, may very well be Dexter’s toughest case.


(This is from the sensitive mind of Darryl B.)

Safety is First at Generic Corp.!

Location: Generic Corp. Issue: Fire Safety.

“There is no substitute for Safety!” barks many posters around the workplace. I am here to tell you there is a substitute. It is called Broken is the NEW Fixed!

During several audits at Generic Corp. it was determined that the company was sorely lacking in some fundamental fire safety areas. Let us begin with an email (the first of many) dated September 18, 2009. This email made it clear to the Safety and Maintenance teams that a fire extinguisher had been used and needed recharging by our external fire protection service, a company called Blazing Safety (or B.S. for short).

The next email, on 9/29/09 stated that the extinguisher had not been recharged as of yet. In this same email, it mentions a second serious issue (some of the 20 plus extinguishers were missing their monthly certification tags). By law extinguishers are to be inspected monthly internally and initialled each month as evidence. Once a year an external company is to cer…

New World Order - Quotes by Beeno Kevorkian

"I fail to see the problem with the New World Order. People say that a huge percent of the population will be wiped out. I don't get it. What's the problem? Have you met the population???"

- Beeno Kevorkian