Broken

Jabba jabba we accept you we accept you one of us.

"It's Eggnog season!" "Aah!" Too much eggnog! Too much! Despite a terrible spiked-eggnog-headache, Boba Fett still manages to show up for work as security guard of a tiny Dickens village. Boba Fett and Tiny Tim. Always willing to take time out for the little people. On Patrol. Ready for another round of eggnog.

"The tiresome battle between Atheists and Religion is no more than a pissing match. At some point, someone will outlast the other. The victor will rejoice, for a short moment, only to discover they are completely out of piss."

"But obviously we've gotta stand with our North Korean allies."

Children learn by observation. They soak in everything they see and they begin life by mimicry. If my child becomes a tyrant, it is be cause I have been tyrannical. So what makes a good parent ? One word: Nutrition. Here's a nice definition of the word: Nutrition: the materials necessary (in the form of food) to support life. Many common health problems can be prevented or alleviated with a healthy diet. Understand that WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT FOOD HERE. We are talking about emotional and mental development. Lesson 1 - Pat ience. Parents, in order to teach patience, one must not lose patience. Lesson 13 - Apologies Parents you are always telling your kids to apologize for their actions. In order to teach them to apologize you must FIRST give them an apology each time you wrong them. Come on, you know what I mean. When you say something hateful. Or you get frustrated and angry with them because they're moving too slow (and the problem isn't that they...

New from Beeno Toys Inc. The Human Action Figure - now with Frailty included! Fun for the whole family. Sit back and relax as your children re-enact the Exxon Valdez disaster! Throw your head back with laughter as criminals and innocents alike are executed before your very eyes! Another Beeno Toys Inc. instant classic!

S.T.E.A.L.T.H. - America's Top, Top Secret Agency. Hidden away, even from all other government agencies, they fight horridness wherever it lurks. It is through constant training and vigilance and that "Can-Do" attitude that makes their enemies quake. Enter the arena of S.T.E.A.L.T.H. in this training video. One day, you too could save the world. S.T.E.A.L.T.H. Comic Books now on sale. Catch the latest issue! http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/stealth-issue-%23112---disbanded/12035379

At long last... The final issue of the long-running Comic Book: S.T.E.A.L.T.H. by Doug Macphisto. http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/stealth-issue-%23112---disbanded/12035379 Buy your copy today!

“The trouble with God is that he has no competition. He’s running a coercive monopoly and has been getting away with it for thousands of years. Personally I think the state of affairs on this planet would be much better if we had more options when it came to deities. And you can’t argue it’s not a monopoly. Consider these definitions: Lack of competition for the good or service they provide and a lack of viable substitute goods . Or: A coercive mo nopoly actively prohibits competitors from entering the field or PUNISHES competitors who do. Simply put, WE NEED MORE GODS. - Beeno Kevorkian

"Look, making things better for everyone isn't going to help anyone. Stream-lining things to be more manageable is just going to confuse them." - Beeno Kevorkian

Telemarketers. I love them. But then again who doesn’t? I especially love when their computer auto-dialer switch to the next available telemarketer (read: soulless bastard) - and there is that indistinguishable delayed response. The tell-tale sign of a busy telemarketer (read: soulless bastard). I love it when I have to say “hello” twice before they say “hello?”, and then of course I have to say “hello” a third time. I gotta tell you, I just find that so effective on their part. I am certain most people on this planet (read: soulless bastards) are very patient with this and NEVER hang up. And the use of this predictive dialing absolutely compels me to purchase whatever it is they are peddling on this day. And I trust these companies have done all of their market research and that one day I will use that carpet steamer I bought. Just because I have hardwood floors throughout my entire loft doesn’t mean I’ll never need it! Consider how perfect their logic is, how completely unfla...

You would think that Generic Corp was in the business of wasting money, not making it. Recently I had the opportunity to travel out of town to give a group training session on Vertical Safety at our sister corporation Catch-22 Inc. The trials and tribulations of this story begins with the first question - they didn’t have anyone who worked there to do this training? Answer: No. No one certified that is. Vertical Safety is a highly-sought-after specialized field. The first thing Catch-22 Inc. had to do was compile a list of how many employees were going to need this Vertical Safety training. I was told that I would find out through email. Upwards to about 25 employees. Because of the large amount of people, it was decided to break the training up into 2 days. The Day shift employees would be trained on a Saturday and the Afternoon Shift on the Sunday. Two weeks before the class I got confirmation of the first group. Something like 15 people with a promise that the second list ...

People. They astonish me at every turn. Take for instance my neighbors who occupy a huge lot. In fact, here is a picture of their shit place: I mean, what is all that junk? Look at that shed! Those decrepit trailers. Click on the image for the full size (it's worth it). Anyway.... Last year they had 2 dogs, one a quiet mutt and the other, some kind of Terrier: I cannot stress how yappy this creature was. It would yap at you when you walked outside. It would yap at you when you came home from work. It would yap at passing cars, at passing trains, at passing Robins. It would yap at its own yap . My wonderful neighbors took it all in stride. They kept these 2 dogs in their outside dog cage ALL THE TIME. It yapped so much, I began forming an image of this beast in my mind. It looked something like this: Even the owners were annoyed at the barking. They would, in fact, yap at their own dog to SHUT UP! Their own voice drowning out the pup. Cut to neighbor's door closi...

I rack the balls, trying not to look nervous in front of my financer, Whetam Gnauckweirst. Expertly, I chalk my cue while Whetam disperses the carefully placed balls. I want to impress - I put down my chalk and study the table. "So I'm white right?"

Inside sources have revealed the next serial killer in the hit Showtime series Dexter slated to air in September 2010. In Season 5, Dexter (Michael C. Hall) pursues a trail of carnage that extends across two countries. From Victoria, British Columbia, Canada to Miami Florida. This apex predator has already killed 3 people. Weighing in at 12,300 pounds and 22 feet long, the serial killer simply known as Tilikum, may very well be Dexter’s toughest case. WARNING: SPOILER ALERT: (This is from the sensitive mind of Darryl B.)

Location: Generic Corp. Issue: Fire Safety. “There is no substitute for Safety!” barks many posters around the workplace. I am here to tell you there is a substitute. It is called Broken is the NEW Fixed! During several audits at Generic Corp. it was determined that the company was sorely lacking in some fundamental fire safety areas. Let us begin with an email (the first of many) dated September 18, 2009. This email made it clear to the Safety and Maintenance teams that a fire extinguisher had been used and needed recharging by our external fire protection service, a company called Blazing Safety (or B.S. for short). The next email, on 9/29/09 stated that the extinguisher had not been recharged as of yet. In this same email, it mentions a second serious issue (some of the 20 plus extinguishers were missing their monthly certification tags). By law extinguishers are to be inspected monthly internally and initialled each month as evidence. Once a year an external company is to ...

"I fail to see the problem with the New World Order. People say that a huge percent of the population will be wiped out. I don't get it. What's the problem? Have you met the population???" - Beeno Kevorkian

"I have a suspicion that God sent me to earth so I would stop pestering him with why's. It would seem Upper Management was not amused." - Beeno Kevorkian

Airing on A&E, Steven Seagal: Lawman is a comedy of the highest form. Excuse me for a sec…(puts down pen) Are you sure? Okay sorry about that. It would seem that Lawman is NOT a comedy but a reality show. This ‘reality’ show (read: fake) follows Seagal and his work with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office in New Orleans. He’s been at it for about fifteen years now. The show is supposed to be COPS. COPS it ain’t. It actually comes across more like CHIPS. The show is simply unbelievable and yet riveting in its crappiness. Seagal runs around the show (and the viewer gets the impression from the other cops that Seagal’s deputization has worn out its welcome), trying to push the drama into something exciting. The action isn’t all that exciting to begin with, so the added push (read: desperate invention) makes this show the best feel-good comedy of the year. Here are just a few examples of his talent: 1) After being called to a house where some lowlife has apparently broke...